How do you know when it's over?

One day I was working hard in my office, talking to one of my coworkers. (Obviously, we can talk and work at the same time. We are talented multi-taskers.) 

My coworker, she is divorced. She has great advice. She and I have understood each other from day one. We have a lot in common. We are both from the same state, and we both worked at Big Boy. 

Anyway, my husband and I hadn't been communicating and I wanted her input. We never had been the best at communicating. However, I also had just started a new job and had a new baby. Life was hectic. 

I could almost count the number of times we fought in fourteen plus years on one hand. Perhaps this is because I avoid conflict like the plague. I think it is because my parents are so good at communicating. They love to communicate and are quick to tell each other when they are pissed off. (That scares me to death.) I forgot all that when I moved out of their house, but now that I have been living with them, I definitely have learned a few things about making a marriage work. For them, telling each other when they are pissed just works. 

So, last fall, HE threw out the "D-word." It was after an argument, but, if I really think about it, it probably was the precursor to where I am today. He had been distant. Unhappy with his job, but I figured it was just a season we were in. 

Well, back to that day--my coworker and I were discussing her divorce. It was a pretty deep discussion. I asked her, "How did you know IT was over?" 

She looked at me with tears in her eyes. She said, "You just know." 

Well, here I am knowing. 

To say this week has been easy is a complete lie. I have found out some pretty heavy information. None of it is completely confirmed, but I am slowly putting some pieces together. It is amazing what you can learn from doing some internet research and finding out a few things on social media. (It is also probably very unhealthy.)

Another co-worker today, he has also been divorced. He was surprised to hear that I was getting divorced. But, he was very sweet. He told me, "Hang on. You will find joy again. You will laugh again." 

I know. I am not rushing into anything. I can't. I am a mom. That is my priority. 

"Excuse Me. There is mustard on your shirt."

One day I will blog about the day my husband told me he wanted a divorce. The first and the second time and how I moved out...because... Today, I want to write about people's reaction to when I tell them I am getting a divorce.

You see for the first two months, no one besides my immediate family and one of my friends in my office knew I was getting divorced. I don't know why I didn't tell more people. But, when people did find out they would always say something like, "Wow. You are doing so well. I never would have known."

Well, there is a lot I would like to say to this.

Like "Thanks, I try to keep my shit together."

Or, "I am really not doing well. I am just good at pretending."

Or, "I have two girls under five. I have to keep things together."

Or, "It's because I have a great support system."

Or, "Do you expect me to be a mess? The first three weeks were awful, but I also realized life has to go on."

I usually just smile and modestly say, "Thank you."

It is just so awkward. One day I may get to a place where it is normal. Or, maybe I will make a t-shirt that says, "Yes, I am divorced and I am (almost) ok."

When I told my sister about the comments people would make, she wondered, "Do people really expect you to be walking around with mustard on your shirt?"

Luckily, I live with my parents. My mom would never let me walk out the door with mustard on my shirt. She would give me a Shout Wipe and wash my shirt after I left for work.

Seriously.