Saturday, August 5, 2017

My Last Baby

When my soon-to-be ex told me he wanted to get a divorce, my second child, my baby girl, was only seven months old. My first thought was, how in the world would I do this all by myself? My second thought was, why now? Honestly, I was in the middle of the most important part of the year for my new job, I was about to present at a major conference and I was still trying to figure out how to juggle two kids and drive an hour to and from (with two daycare stops) work each day. Six months later, I have realized there is never a good time for a divorce.

I always knew my second would be my last baby. I had such a hard time getting pregnant the second time, I didn't even know if she would be possible. We tried for two years. And, when I finally got pregnant, I was so excited. Nine months later, she arrived! She is the absolute best baby in the world. She brings such joy to me and to the rest of the world. My dad wants her to get a job as a Walmart greeter. She loves to say, "hi and bye," to everyone she meets. Restaurants, the library, shopping--no person can walk by this baby with out a big smile and a greeting.

I survived her first birthday. I didn't want to do anything that day because it just seemed so unfair. Thankfully, my family would not let the day go uncelebrated. That day was so hard. As, I drove across town to pick up her cake, I passed the hospital that she was born in only a year ago. My how life changed in a year.

I am so grateful for my parents who have opened up their home to my girls and I. However, I can't help but to think about how much I have missed of her "babyhood." At my parents house, we don't have much down time. We eat late at night (around 7:30 most nights) and by the time we are finished eating, its time for bath and bed. When I was married, I would have dinner on the table by six and then I would have an hour to play with the girls before we had to start the night time routine.

I have missed out on the rocking her to sleep. I have missed out on the story times, the playing; because when you are a guest in someones house, there are many things that need to be done--especially when you already feel bad that you are taking up so much space. I know my parents don't mind, but I can't sit down when my mom is busting her butt in the kitchen.

Then, on those rare moments when I don't have anything to do, well, those are the weekends that the girls are with their dad. It makes me so sad.

I have about two more weeks and then I will be moving out of my parents house. I will have to figure out my new sense of normal. My new routines.

I know, this post isn't quite so upbeat or funny. But, I have a court date for the divorce and my girls are with their dad this weekend. I am a bit overwhelmed with all the changes that are about to happen, and really all I want is to see this face again. She is my greatest miracle. My last baby.

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